Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Turkey Seconds on Mars

Those of us wedded to our cubicles are one day removed from the holiday break. I will be cooking my first turkey this year and likely trashing my apartment's oven, burning off my patience, and serving up a side dish of bitchery. The holidays chafe me rawer than Tegan and Sara's voices.

However, I am thankful for THIS GUY:

He keeps the egosphere inflated so the rest of us don't have to take ourselves too seriously. Is my turkey overcooked? Who cares? Jared Leto can do it better and make it C-O-O-L with black eyeliner.

As if he weren't awesome enough, Leto has a band, 30 Seconds to Mars—a.k.a. his own personal platform for self-worship. Sucking inspiration from Bono's ego jet stream, Leto has just released an homage to cycling culture and his own black-rimmed baby blues with 30 Seconds to Mars' video for "Kings and Queens."

Note how Leto's inflated head looms in front of the setting sun. Cue edgy bikers! (I don't even want to point out the annoying tall mutant cyclist because he's just pedaling for attention, but there's no way I can avoid him.) If we juxtapose the hungry, misunderstood cycle-punks with Leto reaching off to the burnished horizon, oversinging "Into the night..." we get pure Bono gold.

Does this schlock-fest really need to be eight minutes long with credits? Is the gratuitous bike showboating necessary? (Look! I can spin my front wheel while riding!) Apparently, with a hands-on co-director like this, it's all par for the course...

At the four-minute mark it all comes to a fantastically awful climax when a square lawyer dude takes out a cyclist with his luxury vehicle, cuing a dream sequence complete with slow-motion white horse. Could it be the soul of the cyclist?! We haven't seen imagery this shoddy since Legends of the Fall

Perhaps Leto has been cycling too much of late:

He seems to be spinning the flesh and years right off his bones and morphing into Peter O'Toole:

That could explain the drama.

Unfortunately, hipsters everywhere will be ditching their bikes after watching Leto's video. Gas-guzzlers will become the new fixed gears in protest... "Diesel is so retro!" Gossip Girl, however, is already plotting an entire episode around this video.

Consequences aside, thanks, Jared Leto, for helping us all accept our mediocrity this holiday season. (Dammit, why did your stupid song have to get stuck in my head?!)

1 comment:

  1. I give this an HC (Hors Categorie) on the douche scale. I wonder how long it will take for Lance Armstrong to befriend him and start letting him ride on the Radio Shack bus with he and the Olsen twins. Ride on, Jared - you master of the dill-weeds.